Confessions

Before I start writing this, I must say this is probably the first time I’m treating this blog like I want it to be treated. Most of the time I wrote things people only cares about when they want their problem fixed. For the last couple of months or a year I didn’t even write much. It seems that socials has taken a big chunk of my time and now I’m trying to get out of that addiction.

Money, papers with vengeance

Around 4 years ago, I gave into the concept of working for money. Money talks, doesn’t it? It talks louder than anything else. So, that was it for me. I went out with a little help of someone I know, went into an interview, practically said I would do anything to get some money and started working.

I started working on perl. It’s a nice little language (believe me, it took a long time for me to come to this verdict). Nice and amusing as it is, it was indeed mischievous. For a guy who doesn’t know much about linux or any unix per say, it was a hard time to cope up and get going. Boy, I hated it in the beginning. I used to mail my superior almost everyday to make sure that someday he ports me somewhere I can write something C#.

The fact I liked Windows so much wasn’t a fun party either. The internet is right now is full of sages. Sages who are so opinionated about everything so that unless you don’t come in terms with what they believe, they’d literally treat that act as a blasphemy. Boy, I even had a facebook page dedicated for trolling me and one of my very close mentors. Fun times, I still don’t know who was behind that. Wish I knew. But that’s another story for another day.

Present is a gift, a confusing gift indeed

Right at this point of my life, I’m probably the most confused as ever. When I was a kid, i saw my mom and dad work, work like hell. Just trying their best to put everything in place and make the ends meet. And the worst part of this is now I understand the necessity of it. I really didn’t at that time. Now I don’t have an excuse for being this person. Now, I don’t know what I am supposed to be.

It’s really funny. When I was a preteen or a teen all I ever wanted to become is a musician. That is of course before life came in and hit me in the nuts. That is when your dreams go down the drain and you start doing the thing you’re good at and the one that makes money. I was no different at all. I’m lucky that I’m passionate about it. Otherwise I don’t know what would happen.

Know thyself

When you start to understand who you are, two things will happen. You’d know your limits, you’d be a good friend to yourself. The worst part of all of this is, it would make you aware of everything. It would take away the spontaneous sets of emotions since now you can pretty much predict what your brain would do.

 Love and its baggage

Boy, this shit confused me more than anything else ever did in my life. I lost and gained a lot through love. For me I think it had to do a lot with finding your own purpose. When one person becomes a lot more important than any goal you ever chased, when that very person becomes your prime directive. And your brain goes to a hyperdrive. It starts to calculate all possible memories you could make with her. Its a tree your brain loves to parse. But beware, it also comes with attachments. For me it was even scarier, my childhood was insanely lonely and I basically grabbed anyone I saw that I imagined can play a part in my life. Scary, huh? Well you haven’t heard the scariest part yet. The moment you drop your guards all the insecurities will show their ugly heads. A person you want you around would see you as you truly are. That is sometimes perceived wrong on the other side. At some point you’d get scared to open up. Because you don’t know what it will cost you. It would only make you feel no one wants to be around you just because it is you. And that thought itself would isolate you from the rest of the world just like that.

To obligations and beyond

Obligations are the shittiest thing you’d ever encounter. They’d make you pay, I tell you. You look at your family, you see obligations. You look at the person you love most, you feel a drive to make things better for her. Fuck me, I can’t find anyone with a pair of eyes I don’t have to pay anything. I don’t owe anything. For hell as I sure,I don’t owe anything to this world. I dont. People talk about priorities. Trust me priority is a two way street. It only meets when both of them starts to work towards each other. Much like a bidirectional a star search.

Freedom from life itself

Rules never worked on me. Probably never will. My brain is a child with always asking “Why”. And I hate the fact that it does that. Not that it helps it anyway , it still does that. Youd think Kurt Cobain was wrong. I don’t see it that way. I don’t know why I have a twisted sense of judgement. The pursuit of happiness is said to be started when you leave your expectations behind. What if I expect to find something that will unbind me from expectations?

Paradox indeed.

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